trying to sleep

Just trying to focus on anything…

Painting? No… music?, not helping…

Maybe writing will help.

Still can’t get him off my mind; why is my mind split in 2 pieces?  I still care, but does he care? Maybe yes, or maybe no.  trying to relax is impossible.  The longer I have to control my urges the more I grow tired.   And as I push past the exhaustion, the headaches return.  I didn’t take ibphrophen because I can’t solely rely on that.  It’s weird, I told myself yesterday that I was going to improve myself so I can get better; but then I fall again the next day.  Why am I being hurt so much after what all has happened this year so far….And just as my favorite season is starting and all the plans in my head for fall are just completely shattered.   There’s nobody else for me, I’ve messaged most the matches on the site and only he’s responded.  Nobody else will take me.

I’ve tried to cheer myself up my adding lights to my apartment, it is making it feel warmer, but It doesn’t take away any of the sadness.  Why does the world want to watch me burn and suffer?  The one time I’m feeling better and it’s all taken from me.   I got a job, started school, found an awesome relationship, then the moment I got my finances in check, he leaves me…. Now my depression is back, and I’m wondering if I’m meant to continuously suffer.  No matter what I do or how much I go through, the world always pushes me down.  I try to be nice to everyone and give people the benefit of the doubt, but then this happens and my heart is broken. How long can I continue this before my personality changes all the way into the depressed mood.  They say you have to go through rough times to get to the best times of your life……But I’ve been suffering off and on for years now and have had no relief whatsoever. I’m having medical problems from being so stressed but it doesn’t seem like “god” cares.  Maybe he wants me to get a stroke and die from stress.  Right now that wouldn’t surprise me.  I wake up, just to go back to sleep again and my thoughts are infected with the plague when I’m awake.  I go to work and  when I finally get home I realize, that I just came back into my own prison where I won’t have anybody to bail me out.


I have to sleep again; the headache is getting to the point of being unbearable…Hopefully when I wake up I’ll at least have the headache gone for a little while.  I know though for a fact that I’ll want to go right back to sleep after waking up….I can’t get enough sleep to cure the tiredness I feel.

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