Causes

Depression…It’s spinning around in my head, Constantly demanding attention. 

I’m sitting here not doing anything.

Thinking constantly what is causing this.  Rejection, boredom, or isolation?

I feel like I’ve been rejected, my mind is going two ways on the issue.

One side says, “Just wait and don’t jump to conclusions” while the other side says, “Why did you do that? You already know the response”. 

While being torn in two, I debate admitting defeat and trying to cover it back up.

I begin to gain the courage to say no.  I force myself to leave it up; telling myself it doesn’t matter now.  I tell myself that it could still be any answer, but I still continue stressing about it.

Boredom could also be a factor.  I haven’t been working and it’s a new thing for me to face.  I’ve worked every summer since 2009, and all of a sudden I have nothing to do all day but watch Youtube.  It makes me miss work and school;  I need something to occupy my time.

Along side boredom is my isolation.  I’ve been trying to become more social, but only a single friend or two can’t take the place of many.  When I have no more tasks to do, I text the people I can, and feel normal again.  But 10 minutes of texting can’t fill 24 hours of boredom and isolation.

At the end of the night I feel useless, nothing has been done or achieved. All I have done is sit around online; How can I be happy with myself after that.  I should be productive, working, or doing something with my time….I mean….I’ve been moving around since 2009.  I’ve never had this much alone time.

Everyday I tell myself to get outside, sit, walk, or exercise.  I remind myself that I have people that I could always talk to, even if I haven’t in awhile.  And yet I still just sit down and browse the web; stuck in the same routine day after day.