Finally!

Just trying to focus on anything… Painting? No… music?, not helping… Maybe writing will help. Still can’t get him off my mind; why is my mind split in 2 pieces?   I still care, but does he care? Maybe yes, or maybe no.   trying to relax is impossible.   The longer I have to control my urges the more I grow tired.    And as I push past the exhaustion, the headaches return.   I didn’t take ibphrophen because I can’t solely rely on that.   It’s weird, I told myself yesterday that I was going to improve myself so I can get better; but then I fall again the next day.   Why am I being hurt so much after what all has happened this year so far….And just as my favorite season is starting and all the plans in my head for fall are just completely shattered.    There’s nobody else for me, I’ve messaged most the matches on the site and only he’s responded.   Nobody else will take me. I’ve tried to cheer myself up my adding lights to my apartment, it is making it feel warmer, but It

Recently I've been facing a previous issue I've had. This issue caused me to have a depressive breakdown and I've never really faced it since.  But recently I've been wanting to make personal amends to myself on what happened.  I want to forgive myself and let go of most of the hate I have towards them so I can properly heal. I know that in order to heal, I have to end the story on a good note and stop the hatred and sadness. The past couple weeks I've been thinking about it and trying to forgive said person, even if I never want to see them again.  Since that episode I've been up and down on my personal roller coaster and am determined to get off again. This has been controlling my life for months now, and I'm determined to control my own life. A couple days ago I had a dream that really shook me.  All I can remember is that I was in the office building, helping teach like before. It wasn't outright said but I knew they wanted me back there working

We are currently in the age of technology.  Now everyone has cell phones, computers, and even tablets now.  That creates numerous new opportunities to meet new people from around the world and keep in contact with everyone. We can talk with people in real time anywhere.   Now I'm 23 so I know that I mostly grew up in this age but I know that it used to be drastically different. Before cell phone we used home phones to talk, maybe email or AIM to communicate.  Or letters have been used for the longest time.  Back when letters were a thing, it would take days just to communicate with some in 1 letter.  Heck, even now people are separated for months or years from their family and they can push through it.  But the younger generations expect something different.  Where am I going with this? I'm curious  about what impact this increase in communication this will have on people and future generations. Now in 2016, it's common to text people daily and even expect responses in

I felt better, but yet still feel empty.  When everything seems to be going great, I still feel unbearable loneliness and emptiness. They said just give it time and I need to wait.  I understand that, and yet my heart doesn't.  after everything I've been through, my heart might be breaking. Everyday I just strive to stay above the surface, trying to hold back tears.  I've never gone through this, so I don't know what to do.  Maybe this is for the better for the long run. I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, and hopefully its they don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm trying to feel better, but my feeling better means hurting the others. and if I want to make them happy I have to learn to suffer.    I don't want things to change and yet the suffering is unbearable. I'd much rather suffer for my unconditional love for others, rather than end my suffering completely. Even if I have to suffer in silence.

It's 11:45 pm and  My thoughts are constantly circling my head like vultures around a carcus.  This time it's...you're overreacting. It's like a nonstop argument going on in my head and I'm in the middle trying to pick a side.  From one side, it's screaming at me that I'm overreacting and I will ruin everything...Yet the other side is saying that it's perfectly rational and I need to stop this madness and relax.  And yet no matter how hard I try, I can't pick a side. I'm just left wallowing in the middle, becoming a more confused as the time clicks away, waiting for a shining light to tell me the answer. I had an image posted in my head as I was trying to fall asleep with these thoughts, and when I couldn't stop thinking about the image, I got up just to draw it.  I'm no artist but it is much more than I could have hoped for.  Now I might finally rest.  Still waiting for my "saving grace" to answer my original question.... Am